Touch My Heart

The young man was on his first mission trip and had no idea what to expect. On his first day, what would happen? He was promptly sent to a field hospital. The nurse grabbed him as he walked into the door. “We’ve been waiting for you!” She escorted him to a back tent, stripped his shirt off, and thrust a newborn into his hands. “Just hold him against your chest.” He didn’t understand but did as he was told. Later the nurse had a chance to sit next to him and explained. “You can give a baby perfect medical care and excellent nutrition. It will die if left in a crib. It needs the human touch to know that it is wanted!” He got it and was thankful to be there at that moment.

The mother sat on the living room couch with her 11-year-old son. She was exasperated. All these years of school and he still didn’t know how to read. It was affecting his success in every class. Or maybe I should call it his failure in every class. She sat there with him. Talking it over was pointless. He just didn’t get it. This is my child. I can’t let him fail! She snuggled up next to him and put her arm around him as she started reading him a simple children’s story – a story she had read to him many times before. She pointed to each word as she read. He followed along. He practically knew this story by heart, but something was different this time. As he snuggled with his mom, he mumbled the words under his breath as she read them. When they reached the end, he said, “Let me try.” He started reading the book on his own for the first time. When they got to the end of the story, she was in tears, and he was beaming from ear to ear. They had turned the corner!

My mom was the church pianist, and my dad was the minister. My dad shook everybody’s hand and often gave hugs to his parishioners. My mom was polite but very shy and shaking hands and giving hugs wasn’t her style. She was a good mother, but to this day, I don’t remember ever getting a hug from her. Maybe I was just an unhuggable kid. Every day when I got home from high school, we had time together and would talk over all the events and stresses of being in high school. This was my one-on-one time. No brother or sister around – yet. That was the best she could do at showing affection.

When I went to college to study architecture, the first book I was assigned to read was called; “The Hidden Dimension.” It seemed like a strange book to start this journey, just a little paperback that sold for $2.50. It talked about the hidden language we all instinctively have, yet most don’t realize they use it. Up to 65% of our communication has nothing to do with our words. It has to do with body language, intonation, posture, and the persona that we project.

For example, being a nerd, I assumed that button shirts were meant to be buttoned all the way up to the neck. That’s why those buttons are there, right? Finally, some female friend gently undid the top button and said, “That looks better” – an Ah-Ha moment. She changed my image with that simple gesture. As I read that book, I realized that my mom was a non-contact person. She didn’t have a strong sense of self-worth despite being an excellent pianist and a caring mother. But my dad was the opposite, exuding confidence and self-assurance. He knew how to read other people’s body language and meet them halfway.

As I contemplated the newfound understanding, I realized two things:

First – Architecture can affect how people interact through its design, shape, color, and texture. It didn’t need words to “Speak.”
Second – I had become timid like my mom and wanted to change to be more like my dad. I wanted to be at ease with shaking hands, hugs, and putting my arm on someone’s shoulder. With every interaction from then on, I tried to involve non-verbal language as much as verbal language, timidly. It was really stressful. I was sure everyone would pull back if my handshake lingered too long or if my hug was inappropriate, and I would be slapped. It took six months to realize I was no longer conscious of the interaction. It had become a normal part of my life. (No one ever slapped me.)

I know that book was a turning point in my life. That book was so powerful. (It’s available for free online)

As I wrote the second story above, tears came to my eyes. Even thinking about it makes my eyes well up. He finally wanted to learn because it was bonding him to his mother. That doesn’t happen in a classroom. It’s not allowed.

Hug your kids, friends, spouse, and everyone important to you. We all need that feeling of being wanted, that our lives matter. We need to know that, and we need to let everyone in our circle know that. Even a touch on the arm or a rub on the back sends that love. We communicate much-too-much with our phones, which is a horrible substitute for a real hold-me-hug. The power of touch is immense. More than anything else in your kid’s life, they need to know that you love them - unconditionally. Words are important, but holding them, even when they get older, is powerful to their heart and soul. (Don’t embarrass them in front of their friends).

The first thing my wife and I do when we wake up is a kiss. We hug many times in the day, especially if either one of us is leaving the farm. The last thing before we turn over to sleep - a kiss. Goodnight.